caught in the undertow...

UNDERTOW. according to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, the word 'undertow' simply means, 'the current beneath the surface that sets seaward or along the beach when waves are breaking upon the shore' OR 'an underlying current, force, or tendency that is in opposition to what is apparent'. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/undertow .

***

25th April 2010.

Aaron1 : dude, i've never felt SO HAPPY in a very long time...

Aaron2 : well, i hope that this will help to melt your sorrows away...

SMK Seafield's LEO IR Night.

2/3 of Da BL3EPZ turned up...

(picture by Anabelle Ong)

we still went ahead with it and put up a rather substantial and satisfying performance. however, never knew that the emotions of the moment would be so shortlived...

***

anyway, check out 'Undertow' by Timbaland feat. The Fray & Esthero...somewhat what i'm feeling...

somethin's gotta give...

y'know...life should come with a warning sign, like...

"CAUTION: ROUGH RIDE AHEAD!!"

check it! this struggle is not carnal, you better believe it's not

then what struggle is it? man, i don't even have a thought!

well, actually i do, it's in ma head waitin' to pop

so, you better spew it dude, before you pass out and just drop

it's like...what the hell? why does this thing have to rock?

why does this have to bother me? never refuse to stop?

it's chasin' me around corners, highways and under them rocks

i gotta find a remedy before it ends ma clock

i only got, one shot, one bullet, one Glock

one life, one soul, one spot at the top

i gotta be mean, unseen, plot and scheme

everybody understand, this is what i mean

this thing, over here, it is not really clear

i don't care even if it's nonsense up here

what i'm saying is what i'm saying, pure emotions, no playing

this is a 100% soul and ma soul is raining

fire, soot and a whole lotta loot

a lotta anger in me that i just really wanna boot

'cause of complications wrecking the hell in ma situation

how i wish to silence it all in Eternal Damnation...

empathy & humility...

it was a couple of days ago when this phrase came to me in ma CG (Cell Group) meeting...

"if we exalt ourselves, God will humble us BUT if we humble ourselves, God will exalt us."

and after which, i read the book of Daniel in the Good Book. i was particularly attracted to the story of King Nebuchadnezzar. i have read his story before but it was more true to life for me lately. his life centres upon arrogance, downfall, humility and of re-exaltation by God. in the words of King Nebuchadnezzar...

^"36 At the same time that my sanity was restored, my honor and splendor were returned to me for the glory of my kingdom. My advisers and nobles sought me out, and I was restored to my throne and became even greater than before. ³⁷ Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just. And those who walk in pride he is able to humble."

Daniel 4:36-37 (NIV)

ma walk with the Lord these days is rather shaky, uncertain and i am not like the person i used to be - acknowledging God in my life.

well, it was the day before yesterday actually, on that Sunday morning - i had a little of the sniffles. as the day progressed, i was already having a headache. in the afternoon, i popped 2 caplets of Panadol in ma mouth and zonked out for an hour and a half. ma headache grew in the evening and again i popped ANOTHER 2 caplets of Panadol and i retired for the day.

the following day (yesterday), that headache of mine grew to an enormous size and it was MASSIVE!! it was rather unbearable and it soon bestowed upon me a rather unfitting body temperature of a whopping 38.5 Degrees Celsius!! i was incinerating from within...i couldn't sleep it off nor could i shake it off...and i was rather worried about ma condition too. i had most of the Dengue symptoms - retro-orbital pain, muscle and joint aches, massive headache...except for nausea though...with that, i went to a clinic and got ma meds...sponged maself for most of the night and ventured into la la land till the next day (today)...

as for today, i can say that i'm still having that headache but it shrunk TREMENDOUSLY!! and i'm feeling a whole lot better. for me, i think this lil' experience has taught me to be more empathetic with those closest to me when THEY'RE suffering. 'cause i haven't been doing that lately but instead made them put up with all ma nonsensical antics. it has also humbled me in some way or the other - like in the days of King Nebuchadnezzar. and when a sickness or adversity befalls, that is all that one will be able to feel - humility. humility in knowing that there is One far greater than anyone else, the One who has the ability to give and to take, to exalt or to depose.

i thank the Lord for a speedy recovery even though i'm not FULLY recovered yet. but, it's in the process...i believe it...

lil' by lil'...

"won't you ice me till i freeze, to get into a world of ease, escaping to find ma peace, and killing ma inner beast?"

Da Deft

have any one of you people out there ever felt so pissed off at yourself for an opportunity (likened to being 'divine') wasted? well, that's EXACTLY how i'm feeling right now...and the stupidest thing is that...it might probably NOT come back for a VERY long time...and after reading that very sentence, everyone out there will most probably mention this phrase too, "That's life.LIVE WITH IT!!"

well, what if i CAN'T live with it? what if i CAN'T forgive myself? what if i CAN'T accept ma mistakes and move on? BUT instead always dwelling on the past?? well...in that case.......

DAMN IT!!

gotta get maself right. slowly BUT surely. lil' by lil'... i'm sure. time is all i need. unfortunately...time is not on ma side this time and it's squeezing me till i'm finding maself lost in ma time...sigh...in times like these...you'd pray for this time to NOT take its time...but, it still does...now what?

MORAL of the story...there's no moral...must it have one?

"don't judge a book by it's cover nor judge a flower by its colour...this is who i really am...and by the way of the pen, i devour its power..."

Da Deft

who would've thought?

yo, yo, yo...listen...

i really had a feeling this would happen to us

after all, it was ME who brought upon us this curse

but, i had a choice to make, to listen to ma inner voice

so, i'm dealing with HELL, when i chose to block out the noise

and if only i could tell you what i'm feeling inside

all of ma hurts and ma pains and all ma anger and pride

if only i could say and not fall back and just hide

it might help a lil' and we wouldn't ride this tide

and like i've said it before, and i'mma say it again

i never meant to cause you all this displeasure and pain

but after all that's been said, and after all that's been done

who would've thought that YOU'D be the one helping ME to overcome?

after all, it was YOU, YOU, who were feeling so blue

and come to think of it, you're now probably bluer than blue

but still, you be the one, who rather worry for me

now why in the world would you rather do that for me?

when instead, you could always just be keeping yourself

'cause if anythin' happened, i'd probably blame maself

and i'll put it all on me, just to let you see

i'm really hurting in me too - hurting immensely

and this be the first...time, i feel so blind

when i made that decision to give us a lil' time

and it's causing me HELL, like i've said it just now

and i feel ridiculous, tellin' all this somehow

i mean, hasn't ma time come for me to take a final bow?

oh, it hasn't? damn..now, what do i gotta do now?

i still remember though, when you be watchin' ma back

asking ME whether i was fine and got maself back intact

remember what i said? i said, "yeah, i'm fine..i guess.."

but in fact, ma world was twisted and all in a mess

and you said, "i won't have to worry about you flopping over"

well, yeah...i'm tough...tougher than a Land Rover...

or that was what i had thought...not anymore...i'm not

and then, YOU sent me an e-mail...now who would've thought?

that you be tougher than me? in a matter of factly

and i appreciate that you be lookin' out for me

and after all i've been through...in ma crib and ma hood

i guess somethin' good came out of this...that somethin' good was...

YOU...

and darkness fell...

And indeed, the darkness fell...but, what KIND of 'DARKNESS' am i referring to? Now, you might be wondering, "How many kinds of 'darkness' is there??" Well, to shed some LIGHT on the matter...below are a few probabilities...could it be PHYSICAL darkness - the absence of light? MENTAL darkness - a mind set in a state of oblivion? OR EMOTIONAL darkness - a heart absent with all things good and brewing with all things evil?

The answer?

NONE OF THE ABOVE..

In fact, it is SPIRITUAL darkness that i am referring to - the ABSENCE of the voice of The Almighty...So, let's take a stroll back to the Past, shall we?

For 430 years, the voice of The Almighty was not heard by all of humankind...

It was the Intertestamental Silence...

It was then, that this DARKNESS fell...

It was the time which divides the Old Testament from the New Testament of the Holy Bible...

This said silence spanned from the year 434 BC. until 4 BC. In which, during the year 4 BC, The Messiah, Jesus Christ was brought into this vile world by a certain virgin, named, Mary. And then, the silence was broken...

The Christ was rather different...He was rather special...He was made in the image of God...Well, aren't we all?? For it is written...

"²⁷ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

Genesis 1:27 (NIV)

Well, yes. Undeniable was the fact that Jesus Christ was created in the image of God like how the rest of us mortals were, but what REALLY set Him apart from the rest of us is due to the fact that He was conceived NOT by the fusion of sperm and ovum BUT by the Holy Spirit. For it is written...

^"20But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit."

Matthew 1:20 (NIV)

Apart from that very fact, He also claimed Himself to be the Son of the Living God...The Messiah...The Saviour of the world...The Lamb of God...The King of the Jews...

And with this sort of 'accusations' being brought upon Himself, it was no wonder the chief priests, the elders, the teachers of the law and the whole Sanhedrin were outraged! They were tremendously filled with scepticism and were also threatened by His mere presence amongst them as Jesus was a VERY influential being. Thus, their minds and hearts were bent on His crucifixion...

If only they were like us, who knows the truth. Like us, who knows that He was NOT just an influential being...That He was NOT just a mere man...That He was SO much more...That He was actually, The Messiah...And in fact, one of the THREE persons to make up the Trinity - He was, REALLY, the Son of God...For it is written...

"¹⁵He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. ¹⁶For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. ¹⁷He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. ¹⁸And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. ¹⁹For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, ²⁰and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross."

Colossians 1:15-20 (NIV)

Therefore, Jesus Christ was crucified. BUT, after 3 days, He rose again. Thus, with the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ...the SPIRITUAL darkness that befell on all of mankind for that 430 years was lifted. And not only for that 430 years, BUT He made a way for mankind in this present age to once again reach Our Creator. He saved us from Eternal Damnation by the shedding of His blood on the cross for our iniquities and sins. Our SINS and transgressions were the very factor that held us back from reaching God. And that is why Christians all over the face of this planet celebrate Easter...

"Well, i guess with all that's been said...it's time for a change, right?"

"Yeah, i guess..."

hopefully...

spewin' ma guts out...

DAMN...

...that'll be one of ma common words lately

due to the fact that i've lost maself completely

bawling ma head off with all of ma guts spewed

i can't believe i'm really gettin' maself damn screwed

what is the point of me TRYING to live ma life right?

when all I see is a dark tunnel in the darkest of nights?

well, somebody out there better answer me quick

before i land maself up in some kinda sickly SHIT

all of this Marshall nonsense is wrecking ma damn brain

and now i be feeling a whole lotta damn pain

decisions, decisions, what kinda helluva of a decision??

pushing for something surreal and lying with great precision

but, anyhow though, i gave us a chance to roll

but i can't give anything more for the time being, so..

it's best to go, to just leave it as it is

before any of us bleeds with our final kiss

or bleed more in fact, damn..to crumble and crack

so, whatever left unsaid gotta remain as that

i gotta break maself into bits and build me up again

if i fail to maintain, it will drive me insane

pretty deranged..like a car, when i'm stuck in the rain

and the only possible thing to do is to hydroplane

it's the only way i can regain maself back again

or just become entangled in a maze or what's sort of a game

i mean, damn..i just took off..took off just like that?

wandering 'round ma hood with ma trusty Chargers cap?

with a couple of bucks and ma two feet still intact

man, you mean a buck, fifty, to roll with me perhaps?

yeah, that..how could i deny the fact?

it was for a couple of hours before i retired maself back

into the sanctuary of where ma home be at

dude, but aren't your folks in the lair waiting for you to be back?

yeah, i know..exactly why i DIDN'T go

i wandered some more, stopped at ma second crib, yo

but lo and behold, they came hunting for me

and it turned into a chase all so suddenly

but i ran as fast as ma feet could take me

made it back home where i vanished, so safely

damn, what the hell man?? what a damn take!!

in ma own damn home and i'm like a damn renegade!!

maybe it's because of that Jay-Z song in head

bleeding in ma ears till i'm wishin' to be dead

but, what the heck..damn it..no excuses to be made

i gotta face the music before it becomes too late...

damn...